Voices Across America

Living with an Eating Disorder

butterfly avatar

Karen

State: Maryland
Congressional District: MD05

Diseases

Mental Health

Issues and Challenges

Karen has encountered: Abuse (Mental, Physical, Elder), Addiction / Substance Abuse, Disability, Discrimination (nonmedical), Food Insecurity, Invisible Illness, Social Security Disability, Suicide / Self-harm

My Story

Life with an eating disorder

CW//Food mention. Weight. BMI.

TW//Bulemia. Method mention.

It started as disordered eating when I was in middle school. If I thought I’d been bad or was mad at myself, I’d try not to eat for a certain period of time. Sometimes I’d pretend I was punishing myself by starving myself. It never lasted as long as I’d planned. And I always felt like a failure for not being able to follow through. Afterwards I’d binge on whatever I could get my hands on. My appetite was ravenous. I especially loved carbs, but I could binge on anything. It didn’t help that my friends were dieting also. Back then, no one I knew understood much about disordered eating patterns in teenagers, or how to spot the signs of a full blown eating disorder in young adults.

My parents helped me keep to a healthy weight with their cooking, and because I was a student athlete, my BMI was in the normal range. But I still felt fat. I was embarrassed to wear a swimsuit at meets and at practice. I always covered my body with my arms or with a big sweatshirt. I hated the feeling of people looking at me. I wished I was skinnier than I was 24/7.

At first the intrusive thoughts were minimal. Maybe I’d linger on a commercial longer than I should and wonder why I didn’t look like the girls on tv. I wanted a flatter stomach like I saw on everyone else. No one said anything to me but I felt flawed and ugly.

I don’t know when the bulemia actually started. But I remember teaching myself how to put my fingers down my throat and how to vomit on cue. I also was envious of a friend of mine who threw up after eating without trying. We didn’t think she was bulemic but we weren’t entirely sure. Still, I wished I had a body like hers.

All this stuff happened before I was in the 10th grade. Maybe even before 9th. I can’t remember now. By age 16 I actively started watching my weight and counting calories. I even went to a weight watchers center with my mom. As an adult with grown children, I’m angry that they allowed me to join the group. I was the only teenager. I wasn’t overweight and I was active in sports at school. I would have preferred if only my doctors discussed my weight with me.

Fast forward to today and I still struggle with my weight. I’ve had three kids and now I have body image issues because I don’t look like I did when I was a high school athlete. I want to binge and purge. I want to restrict my food and count calories. But I know this isn’t healthy. Poor eating habits will harm my mental health and hinder my mental illnesses, so I have to persist and communicate with my psychiatrist. This is hard but I can do it. I live for myself and I try to stay health for my children also.

My Motivation and Inspiration

My parents and my children are my motivation. My religion is my inspiration.

Share This Story

Find More Stories

Browse the map or filter by:

Click on pins to view stories.

ZOOM IN OR OUT TO CHANGE THE VIEW.

Get the most from every Story

Find A Compelling Patient Story

Share it on social media.

Share Your Story On Our Network

Share your insights, challenges and what keeps you going.